A love letter to myself

Dear Siyathemba, 

I want to start off by saying I love you! I love you so so much. It has taken me a while to get to this place – actually, I only realised now how much I truly love you. 

I am so proud of the woman that you are (becoming) and I have no doubt that you will get better with time. The last five-six years haven’t been easy for you. In fact, they have been very challenging. 
I remember how much hope you had lost after you were raped. You literally said your life was over and that you’ll never be able to live with yourself. How could you? One of the worst possible things happened to you and honestly, your life could have ended right there and then. But the beauty of it all (yes, there’s beauty) is that that’s where your life sort of started. Or rather, that’s when you started finding your way back to not only yourself, but to God. 

First encounter with God

You see, that terrible night is exactly when you had your first personal encounter with God. Remember when you heard Him for the first time telling you, “I will never leave you nor forsake you”? He said this right in the middle of that horrible experience and for some reason, you knew that it was God and you had this peace that cannot be explained. It was God. You knew it was Him, He was there with you. 

That’s the first time you were really introduced to God and I’m not talking about religion – I mean relationship. What you didn’t know then, Siyathemba, was that you would have a series of painful events after that incident. You didn’t know that you’d go through heartbreak (lol), the loss of your beloved grandmother uMamiya, losing your car, a number of health issues, weight loss, and who could forget being homeless for a brief period? No one could have prepared you for that, that’s for sure. 

God was there all along

However, despite all of this you somehow managed to pull through and just carry on with life. It obviously didn’t just happen over night. You were diagnosed with clinical depression which led to a lot of other things. You isolated yourself from the world and at some point, you even wanted to die. Yes, remember you thought death was the only way out of it? But for some reason, you were just never brave enough to end your life. I’d say it was all because of God, even though you didn’t even see or feel Him at the time. 
Well, it turns out, my love, God was there all along. Right in the middle of your darkest hour (five years to be exact). He was there all along! Can you believe it?

The day you decided to go to church was probably the most important day of your life. You had tried everything to make the pain go away but nothing worked. You really just wanted to be numb, to not feel anything. But I guess there’s only so much that painkillers can do. The day you gave your life to Christ will always be a special one. You had come to the end of yourself and God was the only thing you hadn’t tried. So, off you went to Rhema Bible Church and that day changed your life forever.

I remember how you got up, went to the front, with tears streaming down your face, to accept Jesus as your Lord and Saviour. This was the same day you were introduced to God as the love of your life. Basically, you learned that God is/was the love you had been searching for all along. You were looking in all the wrong places until you ended up at the right place. I’m sure glad you made that decision because life has changed for the better. 

Learning to love

Since that day, you’ve grown so much! You learned to forgive, to be more compassionate, empathetic, kind, caring, giving, understanding and of course, you know what love is. I mean true love. You were introduced to God’s love. You have experienced His love in the most beautiful way. The same love has taught you how to love yourself and also how to love others. Isn’t that beautiful? I find it amazing that God teaches us how to love ourselves, which leads to loving others. What a beautiful God! 
I am amazed at how far you’ve come, Siyathemba. Your journey hasn’t been easy. I know no one has it easy in life and that’s why I’m super proud of you for your quiet strength. You are a beautiful person inside and out. You have a beautiful heart, do you know that? Your heart is what makes you you. Don’t ever change the person you are because of other people. 

I love you so much and I am so proud of you. Don’t ever stop fighting for the things you believe in. Always make sure that you help others wherever you can and please keep that beautiful smile of yours. I love the fact that you know yourself so well that you’re able to take a break from the world and refuel so that you don’t operate from an empty place. I love how aware you are of yourself – it’s an important trait. Don’t ever lose your light, my love. Your life is taking shape, don’t ever doubt that. Remember to always keep God first in everything that you do. Focus on yourself and not on other people’s things or achievements. You have everything you need in this moment. Trust God. Keep finding things to be grateful for (you’ll never run out). 
Hey, look at you, you’re also learning French now. What a legend you are!

I’m looking forward to seeing where God is taking you next. He’s always busy and I have no doubt that whatever He’s doing is beyond your wildest dreams. Here’s to the next chapter!

I love you!

Photo by Debby Hudson on Unsplash